Presented in Patened Scriptomation!!
Gandalf: Bilbo you're totally going to do this favor for me?
Bilbo: I totally won't but just for funsies what's the favor?
Gandalf: You're going to be a burglar and steal some stuff for some dwarves.
Bilbo: Sounds like work.
Gandalf: More than you know.
Bilbo: Not interested
Gandalf: Yeah well i'm thirty thousand years old and kind of already told the dwarves you were DTF.
six million dwarves reinact a Broadway musical and eat Bilbo out of house and home...seriously? weirdest turn of phrase ever, but I digress.
Bilbo: Now that I'm destitute and will starve if I don't go with you, what does DTF mean? It sounds dirty.
Gandalf: Down To Fence.
Bilbo elbows Gandalf and raises his eyebrows with a knowing smile.
Bilbo: aaaaaaah! I see what you did there! Where is this stuff I'm supposed to steal any way?
Gandalf: Other side of the planet.
Bilbo: Should have led off with that so I could kick the Dwarves out before they ate all my food.
Gandalf: It'll be fine dude trust me.
Bilbo: In the short time I've known you, You've lied to me twice and let a bunch of classist, racist strangers eat all my food and drink all my beer and smoke all my pot.
Gandalf: The Censors require us to call it "long Bottom Leaf"
Bilbo: It's fucking weed old man!
Gandalf: Quite right you are.
Bilbo: So we take the longest walk in the history of the planet just so I can steal something for the dwarves. Why wouldn't I go with you?
Gandalf: I cannot think of a decent reason.
Bilbo: where exactly on the other side of the planet are we going?
Gandalf: The Lonely Mountain
Bilbo: You say that like I might know if it.
Gandalf: Used to be a Dwarven Kingdom, hence the journey to get back to it.
Bilbo: Do I want to ask what made you say "used to be"
Gandalf: Not really no.
Bilbo: Why did it "used to be"?
Gandalf: A great red dragon took the mountain over and all its treasure.
Bilbo: I hate you.
Gandalf: Why ever for
Bilbo: Serously get out of my house.
Gandalf: I am Gandalf the Grey and you have terrible manners for a Hobbit.
Bilbo: I am Bilbo the Hobit and you have terrible everything for a what ever the hell you are, please leave.
Gandalf: what if I told you that you only have to steal one thing from the dragon.
Bilbo: See your still telling your story and I stopped listening like four minutes ago.
Gandalf: You'll find a treasure of great power!
Bilbo: listening again.
Gandalf: It will allow you to turn invisible.
Bilbo: that will be exceptionally useful when trying to hide from a Dragon.
Gandalf: well he'll still be able to smell you and the mountain is so full of gold that every move you make will cause a cascading waterfall of sound.
Bilbo: did you go to some sort of school to tell stories badly?
Gandalf: I can cast the most powerful of spells why would how I tell a story matter?
Bilbo: Well for starters, you continue to make me wish I had never met you.
Gandalf: I'm just trying to help
Bilbo: You're not doing a very good job, So I have this invisible ring and I will have to steal something out from under an evil red dragon and even when invisible he'll still smell me and hear me.
Gandalf: For starters, yes.
Bilbo: Starters?
Gandalf: Yeah, remember the ring?
Bilbo: The one that makes me invisible?
Gandalf: That's the one.
Bilbo: what about it?
Gandalf: well it was forged by the dark lord Sauron and has a will of its own and will slowly try to eat your soul.
Bilbo: And I get to do all of this for free! mere mortals would pay for such an adventure.
Gandalf: Now your just being flippant.
Bilbo: I have a short temper please continue.
Gandalf: Ultimately the ring is the most important part of this entire journey.
Bilbo: How so?
Gandalf: Not sure yet. I'll figure it out in the next fifty or sixty years I promise.
Bilbo: in the meantime what exactly am I stealing for the dwarves?
Gandalf: The Arkenstone, it's a a super shiney big gem type rock thing that the dwarves need to convince other dwarves to join them in taking the mountain back from the evil red dragon.
Bilbo: wait...just...one...second
Gandalf: Waiting
Bilbo: we're going to walk half way across the world
Gandalf: The only other way to get there would be to fly.
Bilbo: we can fly? why aren't we flying!?
Gandalf: Because then I would owe the eagles a favor and they have the worst timing for calling in favors.
Bilbo: oh! well when you put it that way! So we walk half way across the world.
Gandalf: Actually there will be very little walking because we're going to be chased quite often by orks.
Bilbo:...of course we are. So we're going to run half way across the world, while being chased by goblin's, get to a mountain where I will be required to sneak in,
Gandalf: oh you won't have to sneak.
Bilbo: How will we be getting into the mountain without the dragon knowing?
Gandalf: Well see the dwarves build a secret entrance.
Bilbo: smart idea.
Gandalf: It can only be opened with one key.
Bilbo: kind of less useful
Gandalf: on one particular day of the year.
Bilbo: Because that makes sense
Gandalf: And only if the light of the moon hits the wall where the door is.
Bilbo: So on the ONE DAY the door could be opened, If it's cloudly this entire adventure was litterally for nothing.
Gandalf: I'm sure it won't be cloudy.
Bilbo: I really, really, REALLY hate you.
( NINETEEN HOURS OF FILM LATER)
The Dwarves and bilbo get to the secret entrance and it's daylight and a cloudless sky and sunlight everywhere. The sun goes down, the dwarves get pissed because no door shows up, clouds come out of no where. The dwarves PTFO. Bilbo is raging out.
Bilbo: IT'S FUCKING CLOUDY AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN HERE YOU ANCIENT BASTARD JERKFACE DICKBAG!!!!!
The dwarves come back and the clouds break and they open the door.
Bilbo: So this gem I'm stealing what does it look like?
Old White Haired Dwarf: you'll know it when you see it lad.
Bilbo: no, no, NO! I have been finger fucking the devils cock ring in order to save your asses over and over again this entire trip, your leader doesn't trust me because you're all a bunch of racist bastards and I'm expected to be the lynch pin in this cluster fuck of chaos and destruction? You draw me a fucking picture of this thing RIGHT NOW! or so help me, you can take this damn ring and get your stupid gem yourself your highness!
