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Paying attention to fame whores so you don't have to.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

I wish Michael Bay had gone to film school. And I mean that in a good way. Bay does a few things so spectacularly well that I cannot help but let my jaw drop in awe at what he can create. It helps greatly that for the most part what he does exceptionally well is scenes of action so over the top insane and out of control that you have a hard time believing they actually happened. What he doesn't do well is emotional connection on a cerebral level and damn near everyone in Hollywood has spent the last 100 years pushing that particular envelope. So Bay has a weapon that everyone envies (even if they talk mountain's of shit about it) and none of the core tools that everyone else got coming up in the world. This presents a wildly fucked up film maker.

I have a theory, After transformers 2 made more money than God, but was critically shit on by pretty much everyone and their brother, Bay was hurt and confused. He had created a financial success, obviously the audiences loved the movie, but he kept hearing the same thing over and over again, horrible story, atrocious dialog, absolutely inane, flat, worthless, empty shells of humanity pretending to be characters. Even now he admits the movie is pretty much dog shit. But why? Does he really understand why it was critically panned? In all this time is it possible maybe he learned something about story telling other than putting underwear models in explosive danger?

Transformers 3 is our answer, and the answer is No, but fuck if he didn't try his ass off. Actually he did he 'learn" something about how to present and create emotional connection and growth in his characters, he learned that he has a lot of ground to cover and a lot of basic techniques to practice.

Transformers 3 should have been Michael Bay's two and a half hour master work of mayhem and storyless destructo-insanity. Instead we got a fucking brutally awesome short film about the "true" history of the space program and then an hour and twenty minutes of Bay trying every possible way he could think of to get us to care about a character we've already spent two movies with, has never been more than a secondary character at best, and that Bay himself doesn't really give a shit about. But this time he did something odd, in Sam we see Bays' fears concerning his own career. Through Sam, Bay attempts to level not with the audience but with the critical community and for someone who started out on beer and underwear ads its a startlingly honest and raw presentation. Does it have a single iota of anything to do with the actual movie we're supposed to be seeing? FUCK NO, and frankly every other character in the movie seems to know it.

Sam's whole story line is that he knows he's useful, he knows that when you get down to brass tacks he's done what no one else on earth could do and he's done it more than once, in other worlds, this kid may not look like much but he's got it where it counts. Bay knows he has a talent, he knows his eye for action and physical cutting edge insanity is second to none, but every time he comes out swinging he gets his balls clipped off for not being "emotional" or "intellectual" or "having a piss poor story written by three six year olds hopped up on pixie sticks and pokemon". So Sam and by extension Bay keep interrupting their own movie to make sure that everyone knows they are trying to grow, trying to stay relevant, trying to be even better than they already are. And oddly enough the world in Transformers 3 seems to be pissed that this story line is even happening. Only one character even doubts that SamBay is fucking useless and she needs to shuffle off and die already. Everyone else is to damn busy actually doing their jobs to notice that SamBay is worried about their actual worth in life. This takes exposition that could have been done in forty minutes max and stretches it out to an hour and twenty minutes. I applaud the guy for trying to expand his tool set but there are times when you gotta stop pushing your boundaries, lock in the guaranteed run and rocket a homer to the moon. Transformers could have been Bay's giant middle finger to the critical community. He could have dumped a plotless 2 hour music video of destruction and one liners on us and it would have been fucking awesome. But he doubted his abilities and we got to see him make the worlds most expensive grad school character drama seemingly written by The Three Stooges.

But once you get past that hour and twenty minute desperate attempt to grow as a film maker Bay does in fact for the most part Shoulder the bat and drive a long bomb out of the park. For all the times that Transformers 2 had me laughing at craptastic illogical bullshit and the first Transformers had me snoring out of disconnection and boredom, Transformers 3 caught me leaning forward at times. In awe of shots, sequences, elements of visual design. The sky diving sequence alone made me feel like I was seeing a Bay that we haven't seen in a long time, maybe ever. And ultimately he got me to do the most important thing you can do in a Transformers Movie, in the end I gave a shit about Optimums Prime.  It took him three films but he finally found a magic moment and drove home a shred of connection.

So over all, it's a hard movie to sit through, its got some of the old fuck ups from two, its got some of the dry "DON'T CARE MAKE BLOW UPS PLZ" exposition moments from one, but ultimately three was a definite improvement. Bay needs to stop doubting himself and do what he's in Hollywood to do. No one has ever given Wes Anderson shit for not using explosions or his lack of action scenes (not that the guy has even tried) and I wish that Bay would actually deliver on the action, cut the story and really just make burnination with awesome hot women every where and do it with fucking pride. These are not things to be ashamed of, especially when you use them the way that Bay is known for, its just hard for Hollywood to separate their 11 year old saturday morning cartoon brain, from their snooty film critic brain and having an hour and a half of exposition that leads up to destructovision that would make Roland Emmerich wet his pants fucks with critics heads.

I state here and now that I will voluntarily see Transformers 3 again, prolly on Blu Ray. And most importantly I am looking forward to seeing Bay's sack drop, and to see what he can do when he either decides to learn the elements of emotional story telling or decides to flip critical Hollywood a set of deuces and does what he does best with no remorse.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Overview and critical examination of The Never Ending Story.

On the Surface The Never Ending Story is a beautifully sad fantasy about a boy who must help save a magical land called Fantasia by becoming a part of the stories he grew up loving. This puts him at odds with his father, the bullies that prey on him, and his studies. Taking a deeper look at the The Never Ending Story becomes an intensely psychological exploration of a brilliant child in a lot of pain.

Let me preface this by admitting that I have yet to read the original book so I am basing my examination only on the film.

Bastian is a dreamer, and we are introduced to him post a dream of an ominous storm building. He has a conversation with his no nonsense, all business father over breakfast. We learn that his mother has passed away recently and his studies are suffering, and his love of horses hasn't helped him overcome his apparent fear of actually riding one. His father implores him to "take his head out of the clouds" and grow up. He agrees to behave more like an adult, taking his stories and fantasies less seriously.

On his way to school Bastian is bullied by three kids who chase him into a bookstore. The Owner is less than thrilled to have a kid in his store and he is quick to judge Bastian's reading habits. Eventually enticing him with a book unlike anything he's ever ready before. A phone call pulls the store owner away from the book. Bastian leaves him a note promising to bring the book back when he's done reading it.

Bastian arrives at school and skips his classes in order to hole up in the attic and read his new book. From here we move into the world of Fantasia. We are introduced to Rock Biter, the Night Hob, and Tiny Weeny. These three emissaries from their people are making their way to the Ivory Tower to seek help from the Childlike Empress.  They all three bring news of a great nothing that is erasing their homelands. All realizing that they bring news of the same terrible force they decide to break camp and race for the Ivory Tower.

At the Ivory Tower members of every race in Fantasia have come to seek help from the childlike empress. Her assistant reveals that she doesn't have the strength to save Fantasia from the Nothing as she is gravely ill. The last hope for both the Empress and all Fantasia is a brave warrior of the plains people, named Atreyu. When Atreyu arrives The Empresses assistant is distressed to find that Atreyu is only a boy. Reluctantly he offers the quest to Atreyu. When Atreyu accepts the quest The assistant gives him the only weapon Atreyu can take a pendant called The Orin, meant to guide and protect him on his quest.  Atreyu and his horse Artex explore every corner of Fantasia searching for a way to defeat the nothing and cure the Empress. Unaware that they are being hunted by Gmork, the minion of The Nothing.

After searching extensively they have come up with nothing. Their last option is to traverse the swamps of sadness and seek out the wisdom of Morlah, the ancient one. The swamps will claim anyone that lets the sadness get to them. They make good time until Artex can go no further. No matter what Atreyu says or does, Artex begins to sink into the swamp. No amount of effort can keep Artex from being taken by the swamp. Atreyu is now alone.  refusing to let it affect him Atreyu soldiers on and  reaches Morlah the ancient one. A giant insane turtle submerged in the muck to the swamp. Morlah doesn't much care for living or dying and explains that while he doesn't know how to save the Empress or Fantasia, The Southern Oracle will. Atreyu excited askes where the Southern Oracle is and Morlah gleefully explains that it is over ten thousand miles away from the swamp. With no hope left Atreyu trudges through the swamp, Gmork ever closer on his trail. All seems lost, Gmork is about to secure his kill until Atreyu is removed from the swamp by Falcor The Luck Dragon.

Upon waking, Atreyu makes acquaintances with Falcor, who introduces him to Engywook and Urgl, a couple of elves. One a medicine woman and one lost in his scientific work. Engywook shows Atryu what he will have to do to reach the southern oracle. He faces a series of tests that help him find out what kind of person he really is. The last test puts a mirror between Atreyu and Bastian. This comparison scares and confuses both boys. The Southern Oracle is beginning to fall apart. They share with Atreyu what Fantasia and The Empress needs. She needs a new name. A name that only an earthling child can provide. Bastian feels his mother's name would be a perfect name for the empress. The last thing the Southern Oracle can tell Atreyu is that an earthling child can only be found beyond the boundaries of Fantasia.

Atreyu and Falcor make a desperate run to try and reach the boundaries of fantasia. The nothing has ravaged massive amounts of Fantasia and the pair fly right into the storm. Atreyu falls off Falcor and looses the Orin. Atreyu ends up in some ruins and Falcor makes a desperate search for the Orin. Atreyu runs into the rock biter. Sadly he has lost the Night Hob and Tiny Weeny to the Nothing. He has lost faith in himself as he feels he was unable to save them. Atreyu commiserates with him and goes on about his way. Atreyu finds a part of the ruins that chronicle his entire journey, he comes upon a painting of a set of wolf eyes, which are behind him. Atreyu and Gmork face off as the last of Fantasia evaporates around them. The fight is short and lethal. With Gmorks blood on his hands Atreyu and Falcor reunite.

Fantasia is nothing more than floating rocks in space. Only shreds of the once great land remain. One of those remains happens to be the Ivory Tower. Atreyu returns to the Empress Humbled and hopeless. She reveals that he has in fact succeeded in bringing an earthling child. Neither Atreyu nor Bastian can believe her. She lays out the entire story, both Bastian's and Atreyu's. Bastian attempts to take a blind eye to this insanity but it only does more damage to the Ivory Tower. Bastian must face the truth, he is a part of The Never Ending Story, just as we are a part of his story. In the end the Empress begs Bastian for her new name, Bastian climbs to the attic window opens it and shouts his mothers name into the raging storm.

A single grain of sand. That is all that is left of Fantasia. Bastian accepts the sand and the duty of rebuilding Fantasia with his dreams and wishes from the Empress. We leave off with him riding Falcor exploring all the parts of Fantasia he has brought back to life. He then takes Falcor to the real world to mess with his bullies.

Bastian saved Fantasia with his mothers name. The name he shouts into the heart of a raging storm to quiet the destruction of everything he had learned to love as a child. Her name was Moon Child. Bastian's Mother was a Hippie, and this fact turns The Never Ending Story from Bittersweet fantasy to Intensely emotional character study.

The Sad fact of the matter is that as a victim of severe bouts of depression Moon Child killed herself. The Never Ending Story is the psychological process Bastian goes through to finally face the pain of her loss and deal with the issues he has with his father, and ultimately the anger he has toward his mother for doing what she did.

The opening conversation that Bastian has with his father establishes their emotional distance and disconnection using physical distance and disconnection. His father is behind him and interested only in explaining to Bastian what he needs to improve upon in life. Bastian's father is out of his element. He is a businessman, he has the power suit, the power tie, the energy shake. His current way of dealing with the loss of his wife is to loose himself in his work. He makes the minimum amount of effort to communicate with Bastain but only on an entirely realistic and down to earth level, the day dreaming and fantasy stories and obsession with horses, all reminds his father to much of Moon Child. Moon Child was the primary parent in Bastain's young life. She instilled in him his love of fantasy and adventure, and considering the type of bond between mother and child it is easy to wonder what Bastian's parents saw in each other and or what his father must have been like when his wife was alive. ultimately wether or not his father realizes it, by asking Bastian to "keep his feet on the ground" he is asking him to forget and let go of the last good memories he has of his mother. This could be the Catalyst of the Nothing arriving in Fantasia.

On his way to School Bastian is chased by three bullies, who chase him into a bookstore. The bookstore Owner isn't trying to trick him into taking the book because it's Bastian's gateway to maturity he is offering Bastian a way to process everything that has happened to him. The threat the bookstore owner makes of not being able to be a little boy again when he is done with the book has nothing to do with the book itself but purely the type of transformation Bastian needs to go through.

Bastian holes up in the attic at his school. We then transfer into The Never Ending Story (Bastian's subconscious). The first characters we meet are The Rock Biter, which represents Bastian's inner child complete with tricycle. Tiny Weeny and his racing snail represent the way Bastian thinks of his father. From the fancy close to the super fast if unassuming vehicle. Night Hob is Bastian's memories of his mothers down or bad days. The discussion the trio has tells us that it is early in life when Bastain names his mother's depression. "what's wrong with mommy?" "It's nothing son, she's just not feeling well today".

At the Ivory Tower we see a whole menagerie of strange and wonderful characters. These represent all the stories that Moon Child shared with Bastian. The Empresses assistant is Bastian's father's best intentions. His brave face if you will. Attempting to do everything possible to make it through this situation and revealing Atreyu to the audience. Atreyu is Bastian's brave face, the conversation that Atreyu and the assistant have is emotionally reversed from The conversation Bastian has with his father. In this conversation we see that his father while asking him to grow up was doing so because his father cannot survive alone, he cannot move on if his son sinks further into these stories, closer to the all consuming darkness that took, his wife. His father needs a partner in getting well and his last hope is his own son. The assistant gives Atreyu the Orin, which is the embodiment of hope.

Next we meet Artex, Atreyu's horse. Artex is Bastian's memories of his mothers good days and the first leg of Atreyu's journey is a metaphor for the times he spent reading and exploring with his mother. Always however the nothing is just over the horizon, and it's minion, Gmork is hot on Arteyu's trail. Gmork is the embodyment of Bastain's fathers insistence that he grow up and leave all this behind with out a second thought. To abandon dreams and adventures and be a down to earth person.

 The swamps of sadness. This is the period of time that caused Moon Child to take her own life. Signified by Artex sinking into the swamp. Morlah, The ancient one is how Bastian sees his father immediately after his mothers death. Sullen, depressed, Morlah's alergies to Atreyu represent his father's inability to be around his son as he to strongly resembled his father of his mother and those memories are to painful and fresh. Finding Morlah to be no help Atreyu leaves and tries to escape the swamp. It is here that Gmork almost succeeds in killing Atreyu. Bastian almost gave up and left his fantasy world and love of books behind him, until it became the only place where he felt ok. This reconnection with fiction and fantasy is represented by Falcor the luck dragon, rescuing him from the swamp.

When Atreyu awakes we meet the representation of his grand parents on his mothers side, who he stayed with until his father could put himself back together. It is here that Atreyu learns what lies between him and the "Southern Oracle" Two "Gates" The first designed to test you and see if you feel your true worth. As Atreyu is merely the face that Bastian shows to the world to keep people out, it is doubtful that either boy realizes the danger of this first test. From here on out Atreyu and Bastian will be drawn closer both mentally and emotionally until the end of the film.

Having barely made it through the sphinx gate Atreyu comes to the magic mirror gate. In which Atreyu sees Bastian in the mirror. Bastian cannot handle this revelation and he rather than Atreyu fails the test. While he has always taken his fantasy's and books more serious then most this is to much for him to handle, to personal. Even he must admit that he has always had concrete boundaries between himself and his fantasies. He fears he is breaking the promise he made to his father, even though he has made it this far he is no longer sure that his father is wrong. In the end he cannot give up on Atreyu and by extension Fantasia so he returns to the book, Thus proving the store owner wrong, he is an adult and can finish what he starts, he is not scared and refuses to quit.

The Southern Oracle while filled with information is a secret third test for the now bonded boy's. The revelation that a name given by a human child and that human children live outside the boundaries of fantasia is a test that both Atreyu and Bastain fail in their own way. Bastian still thinks he is only reading the book, and thus he doesn't take his desire to give the Empress his mothers name seriously. Atreyu hears "outside the boundaries of Fantasia" and assumes there is such a place rather than looking inward as the mirror showed him.

As the nothing continues to rage, the storm in Bastian's hometown is getting worse as well. This metaphorical connection becomes very important for Bastian's development.

Falcor and Atreyu make a desperate run to find the boundaries of Fantasia, meeting the nothing in all directions. The pair are separated and Atreyu looses the Orin. Atreyu wakes up on a beach and runs into The Rock Biter who has lost both the night hob and Tiny Weeny to The Nothing. This is Bastian's inner child dealing with his feelings that somehow his mothers death and father's collapse are his fault. Atreyu can do nothing to console Bastian's inner child.

Atreyu then discovers the chronicle of his entire journey. Presented with the accounting of everything he has done up to this point in his life he finally meets Gmork. They each share their failures. Atreyu who feels he has failed to save Fantasia, and Gmork who has failed to find and kill Atreyu. Gmork lets Atreyu know that he has been searching for the wrong "boundaries" and that it is Atreyu's own ignorance of his own universe that has doomed them all. The Nothing's final destruction is imminent and Atreyu at the end of the world admits that Gmork has found his prey and that now is the best time for them to settle their debt.

With Gmork's blood on his hands Atreyu once again seeks out Falcor who has found the Orin. The pair reunite as The Nothing finally erases the last of Fantasia. Only shreds of the fantasies Moon Child loved now remain. Bastian has grown much sense he opened The Never Ending Story. Only one small, intensely painful, beautifully personal step remains. Fantasia can be saved as long as Bastian can admit to missing, loving, being mad at and possibly hating his mother all at the same time. He has to accept that her decisions were her own and that she loved him more than he will ever know. Atreyu and Falcor go to see the only person that can help them achieve this goal. The Childlike Empress.

The Empress forces Bastian and Atryu to realize that they are in fact one in the same, and that all of Fantasia can be reborn if only Bastian can reconcile the memories of his mother as a person with his feelings of her as a godlike figure. This is achieved simply by "naming" the Empress or more specifically taking ownership and control of the stories and fantasies Moon child introduced him to. Responsibility is a sign of maturity, and taking responsibility for Fantasia means that he must admit it is time to move on, time to grow up into what ever person he wishes to become, time to accept his mother's death and protect and cherish his memories of her for the rest of his life. Having made the final sacrifice he combines both his promise to his father and his love for the gifts his mother gave him into his new emotional state.

Next up: Labyrinth!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

80's Movies Part 1

Seems like I can't turn on the television with out VH1 trying to rape my memories of decades I never lived through. I was born in 1982 ( I'm Y2K  compliant) and I sure as hell loved the 70's. But bad TV specials isn't the subject of this article. This article  of Blame Lundon is my very first reader request and the beginning of a series of reviews and critiques. My favorite 80's movies of the 80's, (<---super 8 is basically an 80's movie but it was made recently so figure that one out.)  A decade for the most part I barely remember, but have strong feelings for.

Using IMDB I went through about the top 750 films in each year from 1980-89 and came up with a list of my favorite films from the 80's. As this is my article this list is definite and complete. Unless you count movies from the 80's that I haven't seen yet, which there are many. So this list is in no way definite or complete, but don't argue with me I'm a L.A.R.P'er and can beat you up (empty threat, please don't show up at my house)

I was not expecting to have such a large list of movies so I have broken this topic into subsections. with Categories like best science fiction, best kids movies, best wtf?!, best background noise movies, best movies you never admit to liking, Best American's don't like subtitles movies, and what ever other random categories I can think up.

Are you ready for the pointlessly arbitrary breakdown? OF COURSE YOU ARE!

This week I'm Grouping up and breaking down Legend 1986, The Never Ending Story 1985, Labyrinth 1986, and The Dark Crystal 1982. It's Myth's, Legends, and Muppet's week here at Blame Lundon!

The best thing about the 80's was that Hollywood hadn't quite gotten to the point where computers could animate anything you could dream of. And yet there were a number of films that would end up becoming classics because they were down to the smallest detail, truly fantastic not just in terms of quality but in terms of how they really built whole new places that removed you from your current time and space.  Special effects houses created real live props and sets that were free from digital interference. Costumes and props had to be designed to work in a real space. Some how this made it easier as a child to not only be spirited away into these fantasy worlds but now watching them as an adult I can appreciate the true artistry that was put into creating these real live works of art.

I am not slighting computer effects or animation in any way, I just have a very special place in my heart for a time in Hollywood where if you were gonna shoot it you had to build it. Knowing that you could actually get your hands on what you were seeing helped to build a connection not just with the props and locations but the characters, your brain didn't have to question the stuff that pulls you out of a story, like weight of an object or density or texture, why someone's clothing is bending in such an unnatural way, These are problems that animation works very hard to slip right past our questioning brains so that we can actually watch their story play out. In the 80's all Hollywood had to do was build elaborate sets and costumes for really real and audiences were sold.

LEGEND 1986

I have seen this movie many times through out my life and every time I see it my brain whitewashes the truly sinister evil of the devil and his minions. I think this is largely due in part to two things. The first is the Tangerine Dream soundtrack. Which I love. I have yet to watch the directors cut of the film which has the original orchestral score (I own it and will be watching it soon) But the music in this was such an important part of what made me love it as a child that I really cannot imagine it sounding any different.

Legend is such a strong meta-myth that applying metaphor to it is like claiming there is a novel in every can of alphabet soup. And I freely admit that considering the highly stylized feel of the film it probably doesn't go out of its way to welcome fair weather fans of the genre. I would have to take a survey to know for sure but I'm gonna guess it's one of those movies that people either love or hate.

Things I really liked:

The textures and density of the set dressing. Most people comment on the glitter that is literally all over this movie and leave it at that, and I personally think they are missing some truly great set design and dressing. Every location feels very complete. I found myself marveling at all the crap in the giant kitchen, everything was laid out and place in such a way that you could tell these giants did a lot of cooking in there. The set design of the kitchen creates more character for those two giants than the actual giants do. This is their place, and you cannot help but feel a bit bad that these little bastards are fucking with all their shit.

Tim Curry as the Devil. I know they probably messed with his voice in post but everything about him from the design of his makeup and costume, his voice, the neon green eyes in the opening reveal. Everything about this character made me kind of understand why evil was so enticing, if the devil is that fascinating of course you wanna turn away from good.

The Victory against the devil is very dark. I like that basically the message is that by "killing" him they released the concentrated "darkness" out into the cosmos to be dispersed amongst all creation. Kind of like Obi-Wan when he said "strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you can imagine." With this understood we then see the future pain and loss of magic and wonder in the end of the movie. The Mystical creatures probably understand that they aren't just waving goodbye to Jack and Lili, but to all humanity. These are creatures and beings that cannot withstand contact with the darkness in the human heart and are mortally wounded by the ease in which the average person can disbelieve anything they choose to. it is up to the viewer to decide for themselves if the magical world ceased to exist or just cut off contact with humanity.

Stuff that didn't really work for me:

Tom Cruise, I just didn't like him in this role. He very much felt out of place amongst a cast that was doing everything in their power to sell this movie to the masses. And considering he doesn't admit to being in this movie I can pretty much assume he didn't give a shit about it then either.

Next up is The Never Ending Story!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Things I learned from Green Lantern (Spoilers and naughty words)

If you keep saying that the item or element that locks the main character into their current journey never makes mistakes,  then its best not to have a bunch of other characters flip flop constantly. "(item/person) never makes mistakes but it chose you and you suck sloppy donkey dick so logically the only option is (item/person) must have made a mistake cause I refuse to even consider the fact that I'm a super judgmental close minded fuck tard. A little of this makes for interesting character development. To much and the audience goes from thinking the story is lazy to hating characters real quick.

its important to show cause and effect, action and decisions build character. But be aware that if your going to have your main character behave as if he is super late for a birthday party and wrap a present while he is driving (creating a situation where we see he obviously has no 'fear' because he's a massive danger to everyone else on the road) do not have him go to work for a whole day and then leisurely meander to the party 15 minutes after I forgot why the fuck he tried to commit Twisted metal style mass murder with his muscle car. "shit I must wrap this present while I'm driving because I have to give it to my cousin in 8 hours" is solid character development if your creating a fucking idiot that doesn't deserve to be a super hero and should never have a ring that works with the power of will/thought.

One well developed secondary character that cares about the hero is good, making it the love interest is often better. adding in a kid, a (what I'm guessing was a) brother, the brothers wife, and another J random party couple that also 'care' about the hero just long enough for us to NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN or learn their names is a waste of time which we could have used for all those awesome corps vs the yellow smoke cloud wars you chose not to write or shoot. This rule also holds true for the best friend/comic relief. Pick three secondary characters and stick with them, develop them and rock out.

The whole point of the heroes journey is the hero having no other options to save the day than to rely on themselves because they are the ONLY possible option left. The other 3,599 green lanterns didn't help save earth because...FUCK YOU that's why. I don't care if Hal was being tested, Sinestro and the ancients peed their pants at the mere mention of Parallax. Their plans and strategy for defending Oua we're criminally retarded and make we wonder if the rest of the universe is filled with addle minded dumb asses.If your telling a story that includes a super bad ass army of super bad asses, use the entire army of super bad asses at some point. Even if they get destroyed your doing everyone in the audience a favor by not being a time wasting cock tease. "there are 3600 space cops but we will only sprinkle a few at a time on THE WORST EVIL EVER KNOW TO SENTIENT BEINGS!!!!!...also we know no fear, except we do know fear. Cause green is also the color of being full of shit, lies, and pompous arrogance.

if your gonna start your story with a monolog like this: "In the beginning two fucking righteous bad asses kicked the shit out of each other, we're not gonna show you but trust us it was fucking bitchin. Then nothing happened for a really long time, 'cept like you know, garden variety type badness, nothing like intergalactic voldimort or nuthin' just, you know...assholes robing interstellar banks and what not. THEN BAM! The two righteous bad asses fight again and this time shit gets really real" you better make damn sure the movie ends up cooler and more fun to watch than the story you fucking skipped over in your prolog.

I also know I would be a terrible Green Lantern cause these guys are making guns and swords and all kinds of metaphorical shit that looks cool but in actuality is pretty fucking basic. I am thinking I would just use my green ring to reach down peoples throats and rip their lungs out...maybe I would be a Yellow Lantern?


I want to be able to write a flowery descriptive reason as to why the flash back of the dad was bullshit from moment one, but I'm just gonna be raw about it. A: You cannot use a moment of random crippling doubt concerning something that apparently deeply effects your character and have it be intermittently  tied to how awesome they are. When people weren't offering to suck Hal off cause he was the best pilot that ever played After Burner, they were spending their next immediate breath telling him he would be so much further along in his career if he didn't steal Mavrick's Daddy issues (truthfully he didn't steal them he won them fair and square in a poker game. Think of pilots with daddy issues as the millennium falcon of aerial combat movies (Top Gun, Iron Man 2, Green lantern). All of Hal Jordan's issues seemed to be only mentioned by other people. When ever he had the chance to do something he was awesome until the plot wouldn't let him be awesome any more and then he would run away because well he fucking had to so they could justify his triumph over his "self doubt". I didn't for one second buy the idea that someone willing to fly into fucking space with a normal fighter jet in an attempt to kill two robot planes would be all "awe I sucked in my first half day of GL combat training and Spock with the suntan was mean to me. What color ring do the Emo Lanterns get?"

I'm super fucking curious as to what the Stargate thing was in the science lab and why the lab table slid up into the "not a Stargate." I'm pretty sure Skippy the mad scientist could have done the autopsy on the ground just as easily.

The Green Lantern Suits were fucking awesome though.